a few years ago, i was working full-time overnights for the department of natural resources in indiana at a campground. i was also working for IU's school of fine arts in the photo lab and working as the tour guide program student director in the office of admissions. i was also smack in the middle of the best few months of college spent living with my two best friends, rachel and erin. i also had this long-term guy in my life and we were pretty happy also. needless to say, i wasn't sleeping much in general, but things were busy and life was pretty full.
one morning, after getting off work at the lake, i plopped myself on the back porch of our house, watched the sun rise, and had this fantastic feeling. i was suddenly overcome with this feeling of intense fullness, and contemplated my life and decided that i had achieved what all people aimed for: i had it all. i did. i had EVERYTHING. great friends, great jobs, great boyfriend, a great college experience, great bike, my dream car, really everything. i spent 15 minutes or so basking in this feeling and feeling so happy and grateful that i had it all, and then I went in the house and continued on with my day, feeling fabulous.
right now, i remember that feeling. i remember how it washed over me, and it really affected my whole outlook on things.
more importantly, however, i remember what happened afterward almost as intensely.
it seemed like once i recognized that i had squeezed the juice out of life and made the best lemonade ever, the world stopped.
everything i had felt so grateful for was almost immediately and abruptly ripped away from me. within a week, my fabulous expensive bike was stolen from my house, my best friend officially moved away, my boyfriend had unceremoniously dumped me, and my car was broken due to an unfortunate run-in with a deer on my way home from work.
my happy world literally fell into a thousand pieces.
it took quite a while to rebuild my life after that, and, i'd say in the years since, i have never really had that feeling again.
well, boys and girls, i had it again.
i was driving to colorado springs this weekend for a photo shoot with carrie, and follow that up with a great visit to caroline and clayton afterward, and i was smacked immediately again with that uncanny feeling of sappy pure contentedness with my life, and that the sky really was the limit and that the world was just full of possibility just for me, and that i have it ALL.
only this time, i was afraid of that feeling, dreading the impending doom of when that feeling goes away, and being afraid of when the sky falls in on me again.
i realized that i have become wary of that feeling and didn't want to let myself feel it. and then... all of a sudden... baz luhrmann's song called "everyone's free (to wear sunscreen)" came on my ipod. and i chose to let myself feel that feeling, grateful for all that i have, even if it is only for 15 minutes.
here's to making that 15 minutes of having it all last a lifetime.
i've got it all.